Not funny, just insightful.........

Last night was my 5 year anniversary. Five down, five to go. You read that right, five to go. I break my years into five year increments. Why? Some people take it one day at a time, some 1 year at at time, you get my point. I strive for the 5 years at a time.
My first marriage was a disaster, I don't want my second one to be a disaster too. Divorce is NOT an option this time around. Now don't get me wrong, I understand the reasons for divorce...my first marriage there was a reason. It took a long time coming because we thought that we were doing a good thing for Sam, but by year one, the emotional abuse started, by year two, the verbal, then by year three we were in the throws of a physically abusive relationship. By year four, we co existed in the house together for the sake of Sam. I lived that type of hell for three more years. Leaving was easy, but the hardest thing I've ever done.
Now with marriage number two going, I had a lot of baggage with me. Given the crap I had lived through before, my motto was "did it once, not going to do it again". I thought I was a hard ass. I thought that I didn't need to be in a relationship if I wasn't happy....I was looking for the easy way out. Poor Patrick never knew when I was going to get pissed off and start packing. I know in the first two years I did it to him at least three times...he may correct me on that number, but I remember three distinct times.
Then one day I told him that I can live with out him, I just don't want and choose not too. I told him that I needed to be able to tell him when I was having the "run away" feelings, he said he'd rather me tell him I'm getting to that point than let it brew. It's been three years since I've had that happen. Now don't get me wrong, I'm going to beat this man some day, he drives me nuts! BUT as I said, divorce is NOT an option and I don't want to live with out him.
So celebrating 5 years last night, may, to some, not be a big deal, to me, it was. Five years of living with a man who in one second can make feel like I'm his world, and in the next second, makes me see red, then has me cracking up in the next....life is definitely funner this time around!!! I have my best friend who, while he does have the emotions of a rock (his words not mine, and I do correct him, cause a rock will weep) and even though it's not as often as I would like to feel it (I'm Words of Affirmation, and I'll admit...needy in the reassurance dept.) I know I'm his everything. So while the first 5 years weren't exactly smooth sailing, I know that these next 5 years are going to be smoother than the first. How do I know this? Well first and foremost, we both have Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior....the first three years we didn't have that...let me tell you, having HIM in our lives has made a HUGE impact!!! Second, because of the first, we both have grown and have learned from the first 5 years. Looking back over the last two years, I see how different we reacted to things that in the first two years would of, could of torn us apart, made our paths different that what they are now. Don't get me wrong...it's not all lovey dovey here...I'd have to throw something at him if it was....eww! I want to know that I'm loved beyond measure, but I want to laugh and have fun too....I would like to have a little more of traditional romance in life, but I know if I leave the house on the weekend, there is a 90% chance that I will come back and the dishes will be done and he is vacuuming...now THAT is sexy and romantic!! GRRRRRRR!!!!! So how do I cope with the "lack" of traditional romance....well first I avoid romantic movies as much as possible..it leads me to have a discontent heart....it's a red letter day if we watch something sappy and I'm not asking Patrick why he doesn't do that for me......(time to remind myself that if I put my feet in his lap, they get rubbed, remind myself if I ask almost anything of him, he will do it or get it for me, time to remind myself, that I don't want some other man, I want this one...besides do I wanna laugh and love with him or do I want all of that mushy crap all the time????) The third reason I know that these next five years will be easier than the first (in different way will be easy, I know we will have trials and tribulations...there is no such thing as smooth sailing in a marriage, but how you react and treat is what makes a difference) is that I'm not expecting my husband to fill every need I have.
This came as a revelation to me a while back....I expected my husband to grow super hero powers and fill my every need. Not just physical, but emotional, spiritual, and even block the pain of some baggage I have. Wow! No wonder sometimes he pulled away! I, looking back, can't blame him. I had him, in my mind and heart, being something, doing something, he was never made to do! I realize the undo pressure he had on him, I don't even know if he knew I was expecting that of him. The revelation came to me after some kicking and screaming on my part...I turn into a temperamental toddler when I feel the Lord leading me someplace I don't want to go, or helping me to shed layers that He is ready for me to shed.....and boy this one particular week he had a LOT of layers for me to shed...OUCH! But during this time, is when I realized I was expecting Patrick to be what God was letting me know HE and not Patrick should be filling.....WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Talk about a wight lifted...have you ever worn one of those lead vests that you get when getting an X-Ray? Imagine have 4 or 5 of those on, and then the feeling of having them taken off....it was exhilarating! So now I try to remind myself, when I start feeling needy cause of a hole in my heart....is it Patrick's job to fill that hole, No, the Lord gave him to me for a relationship, not fill a need, I go into prayer and ask the Lord to fill that need and help me deal with it.....thankfully He knows that, and sends Patrick and my friends to do some dirty work in my life...haha! No pressure there huh??? :)
Now I know I'm getting chatty with this one...get over it....haha!
On another subject...told you I was getting chatty....if your reading this and your feeling your baggage and have feelings of rejection....or you just want to hear a good message...watch this video http://ginghamsburg.org/sermon/resources/2009_03_29_Video/267/ it's from our service this past weekend....here's a description.......Rejection--part of every life. Sometimes imagined. Other times earned. Never any fun. But…if we examine its source, surrender control, and embrace God’s F.A.C.T.S., we will fearlessly move from the loneliness of rejection to resurrected life.
A verse that I would like to share that I feel sums up what I feel is Isaiah 58:9 "Then you will call, and the Lord will answer you. You will cry, and he will say, 'Here I am' "

I'm warning you...if your following this, I CAN get chatty...who knew I could say so much...haha, just imagine if this was a phone call...Tonya is still recovering from a three hour phone call...THREE YEARS ago!!! haha! So, somedays, I'll be short and sweet...other day's you may get me in a chatty mood.....I'll keep ya guessing..haha!
Next time though I promise I won't get too heavy on ya, I'll be updating you on the fact that I need to get Mikayla a helmet and how fun it's going to be tomorrow taking her for an eye exam with a black eye!!!!!!!!!!
Have a great day!