Does anyone hear her?

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This is a song about a girl who is searching. A girl, who like so many of us, searching for hope.



I know this girl.

She was lost and searching. She had lived a life of abuse and neglect. While she wasn't promiscuous, she was looking for love in all the wrong places. Looking for love and acceptance from people, places and things.

Life was not always bad. She had two sets of grandparents that loved her unconditionally, but because Satan had such a strong hold on her, she felt that she couldn't live up to their love. She was from a divorced family. Her mother had married a man who was an alcoholic when she was 8. This man would never miss an opportunity to physically abuse her. Those wounds healed, but the emotional and verbal abuse, well they are still there. Her mother wasn't much of one. She was too self involved to see the hell her daughter was living in. She wasn't able to protect her from the physical abuse, but she did contribute to the verbal and emotional. She wasn't much of a mother, but she was better than nothing at all.

The only time there was any reprieve to the hell that she was living in, was to go visit family out of state. But the dread of coming back consumed her so much, she couldn't fully enjoy her visits.

It was always worse coming back than if she had just stayed there. Then one day, she wasn't allowed to go visit anymore. She would go four long years before she could escape to the loving arms of her family so far away. Those four years took it's toll. Not just on her, but on her relationship with her family. This is the first stage of the searching, but she wouldn't recognize it till she was much older.

Living a double life in her teenage years was hard. She wanted to fit in with her friends. School was the only escape at this time. She could never have friends over, she never knew what waited at home. She never knew if she went out if the locks would be changed again. There were several times she would come home from having a few hours of freedom, to find herself locked out. Her mother there but unable to do anything. Only two close friend truly knew the hell she was living in. She would never let anyone know.

Then one day the physical abuse stopped. She had learned how to fight back, but the damage had still been done.

Thinking she was not worthy of love, believing the lies that Satan was whispering and the words that she had been called, the words that she had heard said about her, she started down a slippery slope that would become her life for the next ten years.

Yearning for love and affection, she jumped from the pot into the fire. Entering a relationship that was full of the same abuse as before. This time it was different, this time, it was she who had a daughter to protect. She would not let this man hurt her daughter, she would not let him do the things that had been done to her by another man. While he never layed a hand on their daughter, history was still repeating itself. This time is was her, this time she was the abuser.

Unable to recognise it for what it was, sever post partum depression, she lived another secret life again. Behind closed doors she raised her young daughter in the same hell she had lived. During the day, she was one way, but at night the demons came out. The little girl who had grown up in a life of abuse, was laying the same hell at her daughters feet. This hell continued on till the daughter was three years old. Then one day, she woke up to realize what she was doing. To this day, she doesn't know how it stopped, she didn't have anyone to talk to about it, she didn't pray about it as she didn't know to then, but all that she knew is it stopped. She never spoke about what she had done, what she had said, how she had treated her little girl until many years later. That was her punishment to herself, keeping it in, letting the guilt of what she had done eat at her. This new guilt was added to the long list that was in her heart....unworthy of love, broken, scared, lost and an abuser. This would add it's self to the next level of searching, but she was still unable to recognize it.

Durning the next four years, while the abuse that she had turned onto her daughter had stopped, the abuse from her husband had not stopped. But again, she learned to fight back. He hit her, she hit him. Thankfully her daughter never saw anything, what she did hear, she doesn't know, but to this day, her daughter doesn't remember the hell that was the first four years of her life. She hopes she never will.

Then one day it ended. The marriage, the living hell, she was free! Or so she thought. Satan wasn't letting her go that easy. The things he whispered in her ear, the things he reminded her of, reminding her that no one loves her, no one ever would, her family didn't love her, if they did, they would of taken her away along time ago. That she was never going to be free from the guilt, from the shame that had been her life.

She moved on, all the while hearing those words in the back of her heart. Knowing and thinking they were true. She sabotaged all relationships that came her way. She knew she was unworthy of love, unworthy of acceptance, unworthy of happiness. So, she kept it in her terms, she kept it at an arms length, she kept her personal hell close to her heart.

Then one day, someone came into her life. Was this her prince charming? Was he going to stick around? Was he going to love her unconditionally? Was he going to? To this day, she still doesn't know why? Why did he stay, Why does he love her so much?

She did everything she could to sabotage the relationship, but he wouldn't let her leave. He wouldn't let her give up on them. He was the first person to ever fight for her heart, he was the first person to ever chip away and not give up breaking down the wall that was around her heart. He was the only person to get her out of her cave. He was, at the time, the only person to never let her down, the only person who gave her the love she so craved. He was the only person she ever felt safe with. He was, at the time, her only hero.

However, still having that stronghold on her, this was still not enough. She was still searching, still empty. Still broken, still guilty. She had this one man who loved her, but she was still empty inside. She tried to overcome her past, her dark thoughts on her own. She succeeded, but only got so far. Still for the time, it was better than nothing, it was so much better than what she had before.

Then one day, she had another little girl. She made a strong resolution to never let history repeat it's self. She one more time, fought the demons that were in her. She one more time slipped deep into post partum depression. This time though, the abuse was turned to herself. This time, after being in the tub and wondering how long it would take her to drown, she knew she needed help. She went the way of medication, still thinking she wasn't going to go the other way, the way of her personal hell, she over came the depression, but she was still fighting a battle within.

She had perfected the "mask". The life is good, I am good, I am happy, I am stronger than my demons mask. She actually was believing she had it right this time. She thought she could still do it on her own. She had a wonderful husband who loved her unconditionally, she had two beautiful daughters and a step son. She had the family that she had always wanted. She had so many holes in her heart that they could never fill.

One day, against what she thought at the time was her better judgement, but it was not her whispering these words, she discovered a Mom's group at her in laws Church. It took her five tries to walk in, she was on the fence, her heart screaming for something, Satan reminding her that she wasn't worthy. These women are Christians, these women would never do the things you have done, you will never fit in, you will never belong. Thankfully she listened to her heart. She took a deep breath, and dived into the unknown, finding the first chair she could. She sat there for about 5 minutes alone, fighting her demons, fighting this battle. When no one came up to her, when no one had acknowledged her, she was getting ready to leave, she was weakening against the lies that were being told to her again. Someone sat down at the table she was at. She was still looking around, still scared, still alone. Believing what she was being told. Look at them, they all know each other, they will never accept you if they ever find out what you have done, where you came from. She was just getting ready to get up, when everyone sat down, it was time to begin. She was trapped. She still doesn't remember much of that first day. All she knew is she wasn't coming back. The lies had become her truth. She was in a room full of women, yet had never felt so alone. She left that day, with her heart aching, knowing she would never have what they had....what was it that they had? She didn't know, but she knew what ever it was, it wasn't available to her.

Then one morning, a few days later, she got a call. It was from one of the girls that had sat at her table, A table leader is what she called herself. At first, she gave the answers that she thought the other woman would want to here. But before she knew it, three hours had passed, she doesn't know what she said, she doesn't remember what the other woman told her, but something changed. She had a small glimmer of hope. She had decided that she wasn't going back. One phone call changed that. She did go back the next week, and the next. Then it got too close. She felt something going on in her heart, she felt a change coming, but the words that had at one time been just whispers were now loud and controlling of her thougths. She was in the middle of a battle, not her battle, but a battle that she would be forever thankful for. That first year was a roller coaster. She never was constant with going, but when she did, she was leaving in tears, not the bad kind of tears, but the healing type of tears.

Then one night, after what they called "Mom's night out" she let the dam go, the same woman who had spent three hours on the phone, found the right spot in her wall to chip and down came years of doubt, years of fear, years of guilt, years of emptiness. After that night, she had such a feeling of freedom, such a lightness, the words were still there, but they were back to being a whisper. She started going to that church with her in laws, she was falling in love. She was going through a transformation so powerful, yet so scary. She was also hiding it from her husband. She didn't want him to think she was abandoning him, they had at one time shared the same belief about faith. They both believed in God, but didn't think he had time for them. Her friend told her not to hide it. But she still didn't know what it was.

When she was younger, she had thought she had given her life to Jesus, she didn't understand what that was. One day at this new church, there was a message so powerful, so close to home, so close to her heart, that she crumbled. The next week she showed up at the mom's group, this week was a bible study that they were doing, this week, what was left around her heart that hadn't been crumbled by the sermon on Sunday, was broken down. She discovered what theses women had. Not just hope, not just acceptance, but love from Someone who will never leave nor forsake you.

She had discovered....Somebody DOES hear her, Somebody DOES see her.

She had discovered her ultimate Prince Charming, Her Hero. She now had two men in her life that would love her no matter what she did. She knew the physical man, the love of her life, was a gift from the Heavenly love of her life. She went from alone and searching, to having more love than she ever knew what to do with.

That one fateful day, that one fateful phone call, that one fateful sermon and bible study....That one special group of women known as Mom2Mom, they all saved my life.

*This is dedicated to the Mom2Mom ministry, and those special women that were there for me, you know you are, I love you and am for ever thankful for you. This is also for all the women, who are lost and searching, Someone does hear you, someone does see you.....